Let me tell you about a couple I’ve heard in the past few weeks:

Conversation One:

“Transformers, didn’t do it for me.”

(Look of astonishment) “Wah? That’s the best film of the year.”

“Optimus Prime is da maaan.”

“Nah, Megatron, he rocks.”

“What about Ironman?”

“Ironman, you mean they’re making a film of that?” (daft voice) “Ooh, let me power up me suit, let me just put me suit on, hang on, the zip’s stuck, ooh.” (laughs)

“Ironman, that a film about a triathlon?”

“Yeah, 24 hour film.” (laughs)

“Live?”

(conversation then goes off at a tangent)

Conversation Two:

“If you could have a super power, what would it be?”

“Flying, that’d be neat. Save money too.”

“Me, I want invisibility - for obvious reasons.”

“Oh yeah?”

(Someone else sidles up and joins in)

“I’d want a super power of air.”

“You what? You mean like flying?” (Slightly uncertain laughs)

“Air, that’d be really cool, I could push things.”

“Riiiight..” (Waiting expectantly for a reason)

(Starts to gesticulate) “Or wood, a superpower of wood would be nice.”

At that point I had to vacate the area, or else I’d have laughed so much I’d have wet myself.

C’mon, a super power of wood? Air!?? That’s like, say, a super power of tea leafs. Or a superpower of addition!!

“A mysterious artifact (usually of extraterrestrial origin) in a story which generates an intense sense of wonder just by being there; to a certain extent, the term deliberately deflates this“…

… wins the most prestigious 2007 SciFi UK Review Award In The Category Of Funniest And Shortest Review…

… for his thoughts on Torchwood Series 1.

Torchwood Goodies!

UNLEASHED

I don’t really watch trash like Celebrity Big Brother (UK - Channel 4) on purpose, honest. It’s just it was on when they had the opening ceremonies, and I found myself erm.. watching.

So, who should appear but Dirk Gently Dirk Benedict, Starbuck from the A-Team original Battlestar Galactica. Each contestant who enter the house each get to take a bag in with them, probably containing items like toiletries, underwear and other such essentials.

It appeared to me that Dirk’s bag was loaded to the brim with about 2,500 large cigars and nothing much else.

I won’t will watch it much a lot for its entertainment educational value.

If you see someone stealthily entering the house under cover of darkness, dressed in black, wearing a ‘Battlestar Galactica Rocks!’ t-shirt, with pen and paper in hand, then rest assured it won’t be me after an interview…

[Additional news: There’s a rumour about a Cylon…

… who’s infiltrated UK Celebrity Big Brother as a housemate! - who is it? YOU decide.

Simply by voting on the left, or texting… or emailing… or writing to the usual address… or psychiticity… or time travel… or alternate reality…]

In Association With John Fanzine

Unofficially Sponsored By Kelham Island Brewery / Pale Rider

Officially Endorsed By The Rebel Alliance

Shot On Location Somewhere A Bit Cold And Snowy

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …

Following on from the post earlier about Eddie Izzard’s scifi sketch, someone has let me know that the excerpt is available online. (I think I’ll become Eddie’s unofficial promotor for a while).

!!!As before it contains swearing, so if you’re scared of those kinds of words, don’t watch it!!!

I checked out some of his other sketches (which you can do at the link above), and it’s apparent that he ties in science fiction jokes into his sketches all over the place.

I’m going to have a look and see what else I can dig up in relation to science fiction sketches.

This is an edited version of Cake Or Death from the Eddie Izzard - it’s magical: as it has the power to combat automated comment spam.

Actually, not really, but I needed an excuse to tie in Eddie Izzard with the comment spam filter I’ve installed, so comments are re-opened AND we all get a laugh.

!!!Contains a bit of swearing, much like the spam used to, so DON’T read ahead if you’re scared of it!!!

Over to Eddie Izzard, ladies and gentlemen:

Future
But finally tonight, finally tonight I just want to talk about the future. The future. Where will the future be? Science Fiction writers, they write it down, they write it down in books. And then it becomes films, and then it all comes to pass, like those doors in Star trek: (whoosh sound) we’ve got them now! That’s about it! But that’s happened.

And they had ‘The Empire Strikes Back’, the fifth of the four Star Wars films. He is fucking with us numerically, isn’t he! “Children, count up to ten.” “Four, five, six, one, two, three, ten”. No, it goes, four, five, six, one, two, three… No, it goes: four, five, six. One. Two and three have not been made.” “Two and three have not been made! What should they be?” “What should they be? We do not know. All we know is that there will be a big floppy character in it that goes, (like Ja Ja) ‘Brr brr, brr brr..’ who needs a punch up the bracket!”

That’s another one, that’s the punch right there. Up the bracket. (indicates face) This is the bracket, I think. I didn’t know, my dad used to say it to me, “You need a good punch up the bracket!” No he didn’t, actually. He used to say, “I’ll smash you through that wall!”

So, uh, where was I going? Yes, yes, yes, so Star Wars, I mean they had the Deathstar. Deathstar is a very… almost like a New York name, ‘The Deathstar’. It gets to the point. (American accent) “What’s that star?” “It’s the Deathstar.” “What does it do?” “It does death! It does death, buddy! Get out of my way… with your centilitres and your millilitres, your fucking combine harvesters.”

Sporadic laugh that was, (mimes weird laugh) It’s like I’ve gone in and removed some of your entrails… Ish, you know. Anyway.

Death Star Canteen
So, uh, yeah, but the Deathstar, the one thing about the Deathstar is that there was no food. No one had food at all. No food at all! No one said, “Hey, Darth Vader, Emperor, just nipping down to alpha beta 9. What d’you want? Couple of sarnies? Um, chicken, ham, ham, chicken, egg, what? Coke? Diet Coke? What d’you want? What d’you want? You weird bleeders!”

But there must have been a Deathstar canteen, yeah? There must have been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down (Vader voice) “I will have the penne a la arabiata.” (canteen server) “You’ll need a tray.” “Do you know who I am?” “Do you know who I am?” “This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought!” “Well you’ll still need a tray.” “No I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force - which is strong within me - even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor…” “No, the food is hot. You’ll need a tray to put the food on.” “Oh I see, the food is hot. I’m sorry I, I did not realise. Hah hah! I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death.” “Fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here.” “Yes, but I am Vader, I am Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader. Darth Vader, I am Darth Vader, Lord Vader. Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader. Lord Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam. Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham. The Deathstar. I run the Deathstar.” “What’s the Deathstar?” (Darth is losing a bit of patience) “This is the Deathstar. You’re in the Deathstar. I run this star.” “This is a star?” “This is a fucking star - I run it. I’m your boss.” “You’re Mr Stephens?” “No, I’m… who is Mr Stephens?” “He’s head of catering.” “I’m not head of catering! I am Vader. I can kill catering with a thought.” “What?” “I can kill you all. I can kill me with a thought. Just… I’ll get a tray, fuck it!

(Still Vader) This one’s wet, and this one’s wet, and this one’s wet. This one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet. Did you dry these in a rain forest? Why, with the power of the Deathstar, do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not…(someone has pushed in) No, no, no. I was here first.” “You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, oh, penne a la arabiata, that looks nice.” “No, no, no. D’you know who I am?” (server buts in) “That’s Jeff Vader, that is.” “I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.” “What, Jeff Vader runs the Deathstar?” “No, Jeff… No, I run the Deathstar.” “You Jeff Vader?” “No, I’m Darth Vader!” “Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?” “I can’t get it… No, I’m… All right, I’m Jeff Vader! I’m Jeff Vader!” “Can I have your autograph?” “No, fuck off, or I’ll kill you with a tray! Give me penne a la arabiata or you shall die. And you, and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!” (scornful server) “Do you want peas with that?” “Peas? You don’t have peas! You can’t put red with…It doesn’t work with penne, you don’t put, unless you push them up the penne tubes, and then they’d be weird! Just…(gives up) oh, all right, put some peas on.”

Thank you very much. Thank you.

The End.

(And I’m off out now to get ALL of Eddie’s material.)

You can view Eddie’s Deathstar Cafeteria sketch here too.

He doesn’t know if you managed to catch either of our screenings there, but they have had a very warm response to the film both from within and outside the fan community, and they’re now honoured to have been nominated for the BAFTA Scotland / Cineworld Audience Award.

The Award is decided by text vote, and, while they are at the disadvantage of not having had a general release yet (fingers crossed it will happen early next year), the reaction they’ve had suggests that if they can get the word out to people who may have seen the film, they may be in with a shout, even against the big boys of the Scottish film jungle.

Unfortunately they don’t have a direct means of contacting people who may have been in the audience at Worldcon, Gaelcon or Icon (they reckon around 1100 people will have seen it in Glasgow alone), therefore they want a bit of help with spreading the word to anyone might have seen it.

Robbie continues, ‘The voting system is simple: anyone who wishes to support our film texts ‘FILM GAMERZ’ to 81800 from a UK or European mobile. The texts cost 25p over the odds (which is not too much of a sting, I hope!), and the competition closes on November 7.

Despite our various preview screenings, the film has not been made available for review, pending our final distribution deal’

You can see the official site here, which includes a trailer, cast information and photos.