WARNING: Might not be suitable for younger readers: contains swear words and is of a scifi sexual nature - viewer discretion is advised.
The Hundred Year Climax
Zud pulled my penis out of the null-field generator and tapped it gently on the edge of the wash-hand basin. A light, powder-like coating of decaying tachyons shimmered off it, capered around the ceramal bowl happily for a nano-second before being absorbed into the here and now, and disappeared. It looked at my member and testes quizzically and then handed them to me with, ‘you sure you know what to do with it?’
‘Every fucking century you ask the same stupid damn question.’ I growled and held my hand out to the Kukkit. I watched quietly as the huge alien reluctantly elongated its pseudopod and ‘handed’ me my genitalia. I attached it to my groin and it melded into place with a disconcerting slurp. ‘Hmm… It’s never made that sound before.’ I said frowning.
Uta Zud approximated a shrug, which was quite good actually, considering Kukkits didn’t have shoulders. They could have, if they really wanted to, but they didn’t. What they did have was a purple-veined jellylike mass of cytoplasm; rather like a giant amoeba which they manipulated into whatever shape they wanted. Usually that was a fairly basic ovoid shape with an extruded pseudopod or two which served as arms or legs. ‘Perhaps it’s wearing out?’
I shook my head. ‘As if. You bastards won’t let us use them enough to wear them out.’
‘Hey, don’t blame us. You lot asked for it and we provided it.’ The Kukkit said.
‘We asked for a method of birth control to stop the excessive population explosion which would be simple yet effective and had no side effects. We didn’t ask for our family jewels to be lopped off and stored in stasis for a hundred years at a time.’ I said angrily.
‘Well, it has worked well for nearly nine hundred years. Earth’s population is one tenth of what it was when we first arrived. You don’t any wars, murders, squabbles even, now that testosterone is only allowed in regulated quantities and at prescribed times throughout each human male’s lifetime.’
‘But we’ve stagnated too. Life’s too bloody easy now. We are going to live for a millennium, barring accidents, and for what? A shag every hundred years… Jesus I feel as if I’ve gotten married again.’
‘If left to your own devices humankind would now be extinct.’ Zud said with a certain assurance.
‘You can’t say that. We were on the threshold of space travel; we were reaching for the stars. In time we’d have gotten past our petty differences, once we’d made that final step and found another Earth.’ I argued.
‘No, you’d be extinct. No-one wanted you flitting around the galaxy spreading your warmongering ideals like a virus. Someone would have made sure you’d have become extinct. No matter what amount of time passed.’ He waved a pseudopod towards the null-field generator and its last shimmering glow of decaying stasis cloud. ‘And time isn’t what you perceive it to be anyway. It can be non-linear, almost cyclic.’
‘Someone, Zud? Or just the Kukkits? After all, your race is the only one that’s made contact with us. Beware of purple aliens bearing gifts…’ I nodded to myself at the recollection. ‘I didn’t trust you lot right from the start. It was too good, a cure for all diseases, an end to the population explosion, peace and prosperity for all. You just forgot to mention the strings. Like all good puppeteers you convince everyone to forget that you are the ones pulling the damn strings. And even though we don’t know shit about time or time travel some of us know when we’re being shafted time and time again.’
‘Some would say it’s a small price to pay. After all, we could have just annihilated the planet, many other beings wanted that.’
‘So, just what do you Kukkits get out of all of this? We just pets to you? Is this your hobby? Do you just like playing God?’
Uta Zud quivered slightly and I wondered if I hit a nerve. The alien seemed pensive and reluctant to reply, I prodded a little more. ‘I even wonder if the other beings you speak of really do exist and if they have they any idea of what you have done here? Don’t you bastards have some rule like ‘the prime directive?’
‘You’ve got to be kidding me, right? You still think that stuff like your ancient Star Trek ideals exist in the real universe?’ Zud answered finally.
‘You didn’t answer,’ I said as I touched the small tattoo on my wrist and it spread quickly over my entire body giving it a durable and fashionable outer skin of clothing.
‘One day you will come to understand. But, for now, have you considered that we are merely a philanthropic race which feels it a necessity to help humankind transcend? To drag themselves up from the mire, as your ancestors, the first fish to sprout legs did nearly 510 million years ago?’ Zud asked.
I glowered at him, an anger building up in me that heightened my heart rate and temperature.
‘Philanthropic? You’ve created a race of mindless zombies who haven’t the will to even be discontent or resentful of your intervention into our lives. Transcend? I think I’d prefer the extinction thank you. Nine hundred years of this hell and God knows how many more to come.’ I snarled.
‘Some would say humankind has reached the utopia they have so longed strived for…’
I interrupted him, ‘…some would say, some would say… who the hell are these some? Mindless creatures that have grown up not knowing what it’s like to battle, contend, labour towards a goal that perhaps, ultimately, they’ll never reach. But at least in the trying there is some satisfaction, some measure of oneself. You’ve done worse than make us extinct. We’re a dead race that doesn’t even know it’s died. We’re living relics in a museum.’
‘I see the testosterone has kicked in…’ Zud remarked when I’d finished.
‘Go fuck yourself,’ was all that I could think of to reply.
Six thousand years later I pulled my penis out of the null-field generator and tapped it gently on the edge of the wash-hand basin. A light, powder-like coating of decaying tachyons shimmered off it, capered around the ceramal bowl happily for a nano-second before being absorbed into the here and now, and disappeared. I looked at my member and testes quizzically and then elongated a pseudopod and ‘handed’ it to my younger self remembering the question, ‘you sure you know what to do with it?’
I knew the answer. And I also knew time wasn’t quite what we imagined it to be.