Eddie Combats Automated Comment Spam (With The Help Of An Anti-Spam Scifi Sketch)

This is an edited version of Cake Or Death from the Eddie Izzard - it’s magical: as it has the power to combat automated comment spam.

Actually, not really, but I needed an excuse to tie in Eddie Izzard with the comment spam filter I’ve installed, so comments are re-opened AND we all get a laugh.

!!!Contains a bit of swearing, much like the spam used to, so DON’T read ahead if you’re scared of it!!!

Over to Eddie Izzard, ladies and gentlemen:

Future
But finally tonight, finally tonight I just want to talk about the future. The future. Where will the future be? Science Fiction writers, they write it down, they write it down in books. And then it becomes films, and then it all comes to pass, like those doors in Star trek: (whoosh sound) we’ve got them now! That’s about it! But that’s happened.

And they had ‘The Empire Strikes Back’, the fifth of the four Star Wars films. He is fucking with us numerically, isn’t he! “Children, count up to ten.” “Four, five, six, one, two, three, ten”. No, it goes, four, five, six, one, two, three… No, it goes: four, five, six. One. Two and three have not been made.” “Two and three have not been made! What should they be?” “What should they be? We do not know. All we know is that there will be a big floppy character in it that goes, (like Ja Ja) ‘Brr brr, brr brr..’ who needs a punch up the bracket!”

That’s another one, that’s the punch right there. Up the bracket. (indicates face) This is the bracket, I think. I didn’t know, my dad used to say it to me, “You need a good punch up the bracket!” No he didn’t, actually. He used to say, “I’ll smash you through that wall!”

So, uh, where was I going? Yes, yes, yes, so Star Wars, I mean they had the Deathstar. Deathstar is a very… almost like a New York name, ‘The Deathstar’. It gets to the point. (American accent) “What’s that star?” “It’s the Deathstar.” “What does it do?” “It does death! It does death, buddy! Get out of my way… with your centilitres and your millilitres, your fucking combine harvesters.”

Sporadic laugh that was, (mimes weird laugh) It’s like I’ve gone in and removed some of your entrails… Ish, you know. Anyway.

Death Star Canteen
So, uh, yeah, but the Deathstar, the one thing about the Deathstar is that there was no food. No one had food at all. No food at all! No one said, “Hey, Darth Vader, Emperor, just nipping down to alpha beta 9. What d’you want? Couple of sarnies? Um, chicken, ham, ham, chicken, egg, what? Coke? Diet Coke? What d’you want? What d’you want? You weird bleeders!”

But there must have been a Deathstar canteen, yeah? There must have been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down (Vader voice) “I will have the penne a la arabiata.” (canteen server) “You’ll need a tray.” “Do you know who I am?” “Do you know who I am?” “This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought!” “Well you’ll still need a tray.” “No I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force - which is strong within me - even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor…” “No, the food is hot. You’ll need a tray to put the food on.” “Oh I see, the food is hot. I’m sorry I, I did not realise. Hah hah! I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death.” “Fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here.” “Yes, but I am Vader, I am Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader. Darth Vader, I am Darth Vader, Lord Vader. Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader. Lord Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam. Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham. The Deathstar. I run the Deathstar.” “What’s the Deathstar?” (Darth is losing a bit of patience) “This is the Deathstar. You’re in the Deathstar. I run this star.” “This is a star?” “This is a fucking star - I run it. I’m your boss.” “You’re Mr Stephens?” “No, I’m… who is Mr Stephens?” “He’s head of catering.” “I’m not head of catering! I am Vader. I can kill catering with a thought.” “What?” “I can kill you all. I can kill me with a thought. Just… I’ll get a tray, fuck it!

(Still Vader) This one’s wet, and this one’s wet, and this one’s wet. This one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet. Did you dry these in a rain forest? Why, with the power of the Deathstar, do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not…(someone has pushed in) No, no, no. I was here first.” “You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, oh, penne a la arabiata, that looks nice.” “No, no, no. D’you know who I am?” (server buts in) “That’s Jeff Vader, that is.” “I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.” “What, Jeff Vader runs the Deathstar?” “No, Jeff… No, I run the Deathstar.” “You Jeff Vader?” “No, I’m Darth Vader!” “Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?” “I can’t get it… No, I’m… All right, I’m Jeff Vader! I’m Jeff Vader!” “Can I have your autograph?” “No, fuck off, or I’ll kill you with a tray! Give me penne a la arabiata or you shall die. And you, and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!” (scornful server) “Do you want peas with that?” “Peas? You don’t have peas! You can’t put red with…It doesn’t work with penne, you don’t put, unless you push them up the penne tubes, and then they’d be weird! Just…(gives up) oh, all right, put some peas on.”

Thank you very much. Thank you.

The End.

(And I’m off out now to get ALL of Eddie’s material.)

You can view Eddie’s Deathstar Cafeteria sketch here too.